Remember

I remember a time when my life felt like prison. All the things that had to be done. If not human beings would go hungry, dirty, get horribly hurt. Every day walking at 4 AM to fill two big pots of water so that cloth diapers could be washed all day. Then breast feed not one, but two babies and dress, change, and put them away so that I could cook for the other five, who had to be feed, dressed, collected, and taken to school. Still not seeing my husband for two days was ok because he was one more mouth to feed, hear, and take in. Sometimes my day was so filled with work, I had to force myself to stop and feel my own body. The line outside I hung diapers on was long, so that was my time to feel me, see the flowers open at the end of the back porch. Looking at the line to try and see how much longer I could just feel me. The rush in my breast letting me know I’m going to have to go back to the prison that was me. Now stripped of all the prison of me, it doesn’t look so much like prison.

I want to forget that I ever looked at my family like a prison how that I can I can pick out all their beautiful qualities. Evan’s happy dance that showed my smile he’ll always have. Kyle’s “I’m too sexy for my shirt” song he sang while dressing for work or school, immediately followed by the “Ever since I was a youngin, I been poppin’ my collar” song. No matter where I was in the house, washing dishes, cooking, or breast feeding, this would make me smile. Nikko before leaving any of us insisted on eye contact and an “I love you” because he feared death not with us. Chathon every morning first thing saying, “Mom, you know why you special?” “Why Cha?” “Because you’re my ma.” Lil’ Kevin teasing the whole family so we’d think of him all day. Alisia needed my shadow, so she wouldn’t get hurt. She’d say, “Lil’ Dami the baby in my school of fish. Moms you’re like my sun shine in the middle of my life.” I forgot what was really happening. Roots to my tree being grounded because of and for all of me through all of them.

-Verna Sealey